Father's Day

Father's Day is just around the corner. I envy those who have fathers that they can spend it with. Or maybe I shouldn't put it that way. I have two of them, in fact, that I could spend it with. Let me put it another way. I envy those who have a relationship with their father. I envy those who look forward to this time of year, who look forward to spending time with their dad. A chance to catch up, spend some quality time, reminisce, yada, yada, yada. (Can you detect the sarcasm in there?)

Like I said, I have two dads. One of them, obviously is a step-dad. My biological father I just recently met, after thirty some odd years. (Check out my squidoo page on how that came about). He lives in another state, so it's kind of difficult for us to have much of a relationship.

My step dad... well, he's another story all together. He and my mom married when I was young, and were together for about thirty years before they divorced. During those thirty years, we all had some rough times.

I had a bad dream about him last night. One that dug up feelings from the past, and added feelings from the present. I woke up angry and depressed. After he and my mom got divorced, I went through a roller coaster of emotions. What did I feel for him? He'd been the only one I had called 'dad' for as long as I could remember. Where is the line between loyalty and love? I find it sad that the line has been blurred enough that I don't know which is which. I suppose, as a Christian, that I love him as a Christian. But do I love him as a daughter? Is it possible to love someone whom you don't have a relationship with? We have nothing in common, except, of course, my mother. We spend no time together, have nothing to talk about; in fact, I'd even call it a bit uncomfortable. Is that because of me? Am I the only one who feels that way? I don't think so. I'll probably go to church with him next weekend. I'll go out of my way, get the kids ready, drive almost an hour, and surprise him. Because I like doing that sort of thing, because he's my dad, and because of what day it will be. But is that all? Is that it? Is there nothing more? I don't know.

The biological father... now, there's an interesting case. When I found him about a year ago, I wouldn't have been able to get rid of him if I'd wanted to. I knew it was because it was so new to both of us. I wasn't kidding myself, I knew things would slow down after a time. But even when they did, I could still get in touch with him. I would call and he'd either answer, or call me back right a way.

That hasn't been the case in the past month or so. In fact, I tried almost every day for about a week to get in touch with him and when he finally returned my call, he said he'd had no idea I'd been trying to get him. Hmmmm.... Do people not realize that when you don't communicate with someone the only recourse the other person has is to start assuming things? To take what little bit of information they have and start making assumptions? This case is no different. I know he has some personal issues at the moment. My assumption, at this point, is that he's avoiding me because of these issues. And it makes me angry. And hurt. What happened to that man who was so elated at me finding him? Is his pride more important than me? And the really irritating thing is, I'm still getting junk emails from him, and he's still posting on facebook. But no, hey, how are you doing? Sorry I haven't talked to you, sorry about bailing on the plans we made for the summer. Just disappeared. Except for the random emails and facebook entries. What's up with that??!

It's like, HELLO! Do I exist to either of these people??

I dunno.... Just venting. Girls, don't take your daddies for granted. If he loves you, and you know it, then let him know you love him, too. They say it could always be worse, and it can.
You could be in MY shoes.
BUT - I'm SO grateful for my Heavenly Father whom I know will never leave me, who will always love me, and who will always be there when I call!